Caliban
by Kin-outcast1
Summary: I was serving drinks at the Ninth Circle when I felt it again. The urge ... And it was strong. Way too damn strong.
1. Chapter 1

I was serving drinks at the Ninth Circle when I felt it again. The urge. At first it had only happened several times a week … but recently it had crept its way into once a day. And it was strong. Way too damn strong.

For a minute I thought I almost couldn't take it. I shut my eyes, blocked out the noise, and for a moment could almost see it inside of me – a colorless and yet very red mass of something eating its way through. I felt my whole body go tense, and then the wineglass broke in my hand. Shaking, I stared at the shattered fragments now strewn across the bar, the blood staining my fingers. Shit.

I glanced over my shoulder and met Ishiah's darkly suspicious stare. "I'll clean it up," I promised.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's this?" asked Niko about two minutes after he'd walked in the door, taking my wrist and examining the bandages. I'd been privately hoping the observant bastard wouldn't notice … but who was I kidding?

"Cut myself on some damn broken glass at the bar," I said, pulling away from him. I wasn't exactly lying, but I felt like it was, which made it impossible to meet his eyes when I spoke.

"You should be more careful," he said slowly. But I knew he wasn't fooled. I think he'd suspected something was up for quite some time … but I was not ready to have this conversation. I did not want Nik to know.

After he disappeared into the shower and the water came on full blast, I ran to my bedroom, grabbed one of my old sweatshirts and ripped it to shreds.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Talk."_

This was after the nightmare. No human deserved to have such graphic dreams … which I guess made sense, considering I didn't exactly qualify as "human". I could always volunteer that little comment to my already-pissed older brother – then the real nightmares would begin.

He was standing over me, a darkly ominous yet comforting shadow in a room bathed with the stench of fear and sweat. Comforting, sure, but right now I could've done without it. He repeated himself: "Talk."

"What? I'm not allowed to have a frigging nightmare?" I could still hear my raw screams in my throat, and I was shivering so hard I was practically shaking the bed. Not this kind of nightmare.

"Something is going on that you don't want me to know about. Tell me what it is."

_No. Damn it, no!_ Angry words burst out of me before I could think – "Damn it, Nik, there's nothing to tell, can't you just _leave me alone?" _Yeah, like hell Niko would do something like that.

Unfortunately the yelling didn't end there.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day my head ached. I felt like crap. Fighting with Nik always made me feel like crap. I hadn't been myself, I'd just woken up from one hell of a nightmare, and I was panicking – which resulted in some things that I really should not have said. Nik shook me so hard my skull nearly cracked the headboard. Then he left – without answers. That was to my credit.

But serving drinks did not help the guilt.

_It did not help the urge._

"I'll be back," I said fast, and left my station at the bar – running to the bathroom. Yeah, that didn't look comical or anything. And to be honest, I had no idea what I planned on doing there – there wasn't much to break in a bathroom, except for the mirror, of course, but that I didn't want to have to lie about more damn cuts brought back from work.

I reached the bathroom. It was a dingy, crappy little room with a half-dead, blinking light bulb. And in the corner of the room there was a rat.

It looked at me. It blinked shiny black eyes, and that was enough. In half a second I had it clamped in both hands. At that moment I was so much faster than Niko (and believe me, that is too damn fast), but I couldn't think about that right now. I felt like an alcoholic finally bringing the glorified bottle to his lips. This was enough. This was it. I was finally, finally satisfying the hunger.

It was only afterward that the nausea hit me, as I gazed down in disbelief at the limp, broken, mutilated animal, torn apart by my fingers.


	5. Chapter 5

"Caliban, are you feeling alright?" that was Promise, sitting in my living room when I got home from work. My eyes flickered from her to Niko, who was sitting beside her on the couch, arms crossed, watching me like a hawk.

"Yeah, sure," I said, ignoring the nagging sensation that Niko was looking at my hands knowing exactly what they'd done hours before.

"I was just telling Niko about a job I found for us," she said. "It's very well-paying, and shouldn't be too involved. However, just to be safe, we might need Goodfellow's help. I'm sure that will not be an issue, once he hears of the cut we have for him."

I was drowning her out now, but nodding anyway. "Yeah. Okay. Sure." Not one of my more eloquent moments, but let's just say I was slightly distracted.

Niko pinned me with one of his death stares and said, "Cal, come here."

But I would not be interrogated. I couldn't let Niko know. "I'm tired, Nik. I'm going to bed." I turned and headed for my bedroom, leaving stunned silence behind me. I didn't usually disobey a direct order from my brother.

I fell onto my mattress and buried my face in the pillow, trying to relax my brain – but not enough to fall asleep. Somehow I knew that if I fell asleep, I would have more nightmares. Even worse than the night before. So I just laid there and waited for Promise to leave, and Niko to come drag my disobedient ass out of bed.

Promise left, but Niko didn't come. I had to force myself to be relieved.


	6. Chapter 6

I didn't sleep, but somehow – the nightmares came anyway.

_I am Caliban, _they whispered. I could see the mass again, swimming, bright red and eating me alive. My monster genes, my monster blood, saying, _My name is Caliban._

I knew that voice. I remembered it from when I was thirteen, and would lie in bed and listen to it and agree with it, and whisper into scary darkness, "Yes, alright, my name is Caliban."

I wasn't quite so obliging these days. "Cal," I ground into my pillow.

_Caliban._

"Shut the hell up. I will not be controlled."

But the nightmares only laughed.


	7. Chapter 7

_"Get out of this bar!"_ Ishiah roared at me, massive wings swooping out of nowhere. He came at me, practically nose-to-nose, ice-silver eyes blazing. "You shit."

My brain pounded _what have you done – what have you done? _"Ish …" I gasped. "I am so sorry."

He moved away from me, stepping over the twisted body of the dead adolescent wolf. The one with its neck torn open, its spine snapped in several places and its legs tangled under its body. "Leave," said the peri, pointing to the door.

I left, ready to fall onto the sidewalk and weep. I would never forgive myself for that – I didn't even know how Niko could. And of course he would find out now. I would never be allowed back in there. No one let Auphe into their establishment if they could help it. And that's what I was, wasn't I?

I could still feel the shattered bone shifting under my fingers, the blood in my mouth.

My mind was going. This was ripping me apart. I needed Niko to pull me out of this kaleidoscope of horrors and hold me together, and yet … how could I ever, ever face him again?

_What was I becoming?_


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't go back to the apartment. I couldn't face Niko.

Not because he would disown me, call me a monster, rip me out of his life … but because he would do exactly the opposite. And as long as I could taste someone else's blood in my throat, I didn't deserve to be touched by him.

I went to Robin's. Not to pour my soul out to him in confessions, but to act as normal as I could – tell him Promise had a job, he would get a cut. Maybe if he started describing one of his X-rated escapades, I'd get to experience an emotion other than complete self-loathing.


	9. Chapter 9

"Cal?" Robin asked when he opened his door. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," I said numbly. I kept emotion off my face, all emotion. "Just dropped by to tell you Promise has a job for us."

" 'Us'?" he raised an eyebrow. "What is it about my current profession that you ignorant parasites do not understand?"

I could've said something sarcastic and stupid that being a used car salesman doesn't count … but I decided to get right to the heart of the matter. "You get a cut."

That lightened the tone. "Come in, come in, Caliban," he said briskly, rubbing his hands together. "I think I still have some wine in the place …"

"Like you ever don't," I shot after him as I meandered into his apartment. I entered his living room and collapsed on the couch, put my hands over my face, and breathed. This was normal. I could still be normal. I was still Cal. I already had a long list of sins. I wasn't going anywhere special when my time came, that I knew.

I just had to fight this. I had to get a grip.

_Caliban?_

It was mockingly lyrical, a cheerful reminder. And holy shit, it was right there, in the back of my mind, and growing stronger. The urge. The bloodlust. The Auphe. "I can hold this down," I whimpered, my hands convulsing on my knees, my teeth grinding together. "I am not Caliban." But the thing was – I used to be so sure of it, and now I didn't even really know.

I could hear Robin's voice wafting out from the next room – "I won't accept any price you have to offer that has consists of less than 3 zeroes. And I don't have a very long time to hear details, as I have a … 'previous engagement' –"

My nails sank into my knees. I could not hold on.

Robin's voice drowned out, and I thought _"Oh, no…"_ and the whole world went away.


	10. Chapter 10

_"Cal? Where are you?"_

On the ground. Somewhere in New York. Black sky above me, black grass beneath my hands and knees. Somehow I managed to hold the phone to my ear.

"Nik?" I asked hoarsely. Hearing his voice broke something deep down. Hearing him say my name. I just wanted him with me … why the hell was I so alone?

There was silence on the other end. _"Cal," _he said tensely. _"What happened."_

I rested my head down, in the grass, against the ground, and tried to find words. "Nik … I. I need help."

His voice was gentler now, but I could hear the layers of panic underneath. _"I'm coming to get you. Where are you?"_

I lifted my head up. I didn't know. Slowly, achingly, I got to my feet and looked around. There was grass, there were trees, there were buildings. I knew I couldn't be too far from the apartment …

_"Cal," _Niko continued, responding to my silence. _"Ishiah called me. I know what you did. And I'm sorry. I should've … made it different. But whatever you're feeling, whatever is going on, we can work through. It doesn't matter how big it is, or what you've done, we will work through it. Do you understand?"_

_ No. _"Yes, Nik."

_"Tell me where you are."_

"Central Park," I said, although I knew I wasn't. Why was I lying to my brother?

_"Have you been there this whole time? Ishiah said you left the bar hours ago."_

My heart thudded sickly in my head. "I've been at Robin's," I said numbly.

_"Robin's?"_ he echoed. _"Strange. I called him several times at his apartment and he didn't answer …"_

_didn't answer didn't answer didn't answer _

_"Cal?"_

I stared at my phone, and watched it drop slowly to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11

It was dark in my apartment. The damn light blinded me when I first walked in, so I smashed the overhead bulb. Then I stumbled to my bedroom and smashed that one.

I was looking for something. Something. I didn't know what it was, and I was almost certain it wasn't here. What was I even doing here? I ripped the bedclothes off my mattress but it wasn't there. I opened a few dresser drawers and rummaged around with brown-stained fingers. It wasn't there.

I heard the front door open, and I jumped.

Nik.

I froze, staring numbly down into the drawer, listening to his footsteps getting closer. In a minute he was standing in the doorway of my room. He tried the lights uselessly, then looked over at me. It wasn't so dark that I couldn't see his face – every haunted detail. I knew the moment I saw it that he had been to Robin's. Of course he would go there. And he would have seen.

His eyes traced me, then the open drawer. "What are you looking for?" he whispered.

I swallowed dryly, and stammered, "Cal."

He moved toward me, ninja-fast, but I was Auphe, and I was faster. In a moment I was in the corner of the room, backed up, my hands pressed flat against the wall. "Don't come closer," I warned in a low voice.

"Little brother," he said. "Come here."

I was quaking, but forced out a bitter, guttural – "So you can kill me?"

Those gray eyes had never held so much rage. I watched numbly as he reached behind his shoulders, and ripped his katana out of the sheath on his back. Then he threw it to the ground. Next he went for the knives that were hidden in places all over his coat, and all the other weapons he kept carefully concealed. They all clattered to the floor, and he stood weaponless before me and yelled – _"COME HERE!"_

Now he was just a pale blur smeared across the darkness, because I was crying. I could hear the voices again, saying it was over. This was the last time. The bloodlust, the screaming need for death, was thrumming through my body and crushing everything, everything, and I was helpless, choking, _"Niko, I'm sorry –" _Suddenly he was close, seizing my hand, my face, and saying, "Hold on, please, I beg you to hold on –"

He didn't understand.

I ripped myself away from him, tried to run, but I couldn't outrun what was chasing me. I fell on my face on the floor. And it caught me. Caliban caught me and grabbed me by the throat and killed me, and that was that.

I stood up and faced Niko.

He stared back at me, human, so weak, and whispered the name "Cal".

But I did not know that name.

I wanted blood, and I would have it.

Like I said, Niko was fast – but I was faster.


End file.
